How to Survive the Death of a Child in Ten Easy Steps

Step One: The goal for the next year is to breathe: in and out, in and out. It is a difficult step, but you have gotten this far.

Tip: Go easy on yourself; clear your schedule, learn to say no, or say hell no, or say what part of no don’t you understand.

Step Two: Decide that you want to keep on living. People die from broken hearts.

Tip: Think of your other children or loved ones. No? What about the dog? What about Coney Island? Have you ever been to Coney Island? Find a reason to keep going.

Step Three: Breathe: In and out.

Step Four: Cry, cry, and cry some more. Scream if necessary. Go primal.

Tip: Some grievers find that the shower is the perfect place to fall apart and let your emotions run their course because you are alone and not surrounded by people who think they can make it better. And they won’t stop trying to make it better, either. I mean really, for the twentieth time, if I wanted an effing cup of tea I’d get out of bed and make one!

Step Five: Breathe, darling: in and out.

Step Six: Join a grief group. Share your stories and express your emotions. Listen to their stories. Cry together. Laugh together. The group is the place where you can be you. Family and friends don’t know how to help you, and relationships strain under the weight of such a loss. Groups that cater to the parents who have lost children may be more beneficial than an open loss group for several reasons.

Tip: Try not to compare your level of grief with the woman who lost her husband of 18 months. Grief is grief. Don’t judge her (even though you have been raising a brilliant, amazing human being for 26 years and she hardly had a chance to really know the guy.)

Step Seven: Still breathing? Good.

Step Eight: Remember baby steps. You may be consumed with guilt and longing – tell your child you miss him, you are sorry. Create a memorial garden or visit his grave if it helps.

Tip: Refrain from telling the kids to say hi to their brother who now sits in the cloisonné urn on the mantle. Especially don’t try to set him a place at the table the first Thanksgiving dinner after his passing. If you do, your other son may end up writing a screenplay.

Step Nine: Allow the best memories of your child to sustain you, to fill your heart, to give you peace. One thing about surviving such a loss is that you realize your immense capacity to love. I think your heart actually gets bigger—like your ass—but in a good way.

Step Ten: Keep breathing.

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